A very promising coming-of-age story. It was fun and endearing, so very well done.
In terms of feedback, I agree with some others comments. Some facial expressions were kinda weird, but they weren't as many to be a problem. But, let's be honest, we people something make weird faces, so, ironically, it feels natural, organic, more so, since you're portraing an awkard young adult discovering his sexuality and himself. So, I think that, as long as doesn't affect any key moments of the story, is not that big deal.
Some sentences and expressions need some corrections, because can slow a little the pacing of the story when you are reading it. But, again, since is not your first language (mine neither, so take this part of the review with a grain of salt because I'm on the same page like you, haha), the overall work is very well executed. So, a minor fix here and there and thats all.
The characters are charismatic and sexy, and the dialogues are good. I would like, anyway, read a little bit more to have a bigger picture, but so far, so good.
The context, the enviroment of the story, this fancy house in the middle of nowhere during holidays, is a very good way to create an ambiente of closeness and intimacy (and also, for crazy things to happen, haha). I really like it (I want a house like that, to be honest)
In terms of ideas, I think it would be nice to read about Silvia, the aunt. Not now, anyway, but in the future. I know its a gay game, and the expectations can be others, but you're telling a story, so that's the reason why I think (at least a little) it would be nice to have content of her and her story.
But, if we talk about the spicy stuff, I have 2 primary ideas:
1- Since they sleep together, a lot things can happen overnight (like waking up with one hugging the other; for more fun and akward situations, Fabien should be the one doing this)
2- The family has a gym, so I think a muscle worship scene would be just fine. Maybe the Uncle can be the one encouraging Mathew to touching him and so (he's has such a big lewd aura, haha)
So, that's all. I hope my review help you in any way. Hugs and good luck with this amazing project.
Thanks for your feedback. I have to admit I wasn't a lot about describing more Silvia, excepted some clues from Fabien when he speaks about his mother but I will see what I can do to get more context around this family.
For the spicies, indeed the gym is definitely there for something, I have many ideas... (too much lol), I add you idea on this, I didn't imagine the uncle at this place... but why not ;)
And yeah, they sleep together, so much things can happen...
After all, it's summer, so you don't even need an excuse for that, haha.
I think it would be fun and hot if they ask you to touch their bodies and the more you do it, the more clothes they ask you to take off them, haha.So much potential, I love this
I admit that my thoughts were quite similar to yours, but as in the description of his game-novel and his presentation it specifies certain things, including the fact that English is not his native language, and that in addition it is his first work in this field ...
It will have kept me simple, without going into too many details. (That besides for the moment he can take them for superfluous.)
He's only just getting started for now, and he's young. - over time he will understand and feel for himself what he has in his heart to share, and then improve himself.
He seems to be very talented, let's give him time to learn and move forward at his own pace in this universe/area. - we all know very well that it is the best thing.
We must not forget that the main thing is to put his passion into what he does.
Obviously, the tips don't hurt. - but let's take it easy with him. Don't scare him too much from the start, it can have the opposite effect, and it stops him right away.
I completly agree with you in everything you said. I tried to use the most polite words I could write to not be harsh with my thoughts. I tried to be everything but harsh, but yeah, maybe give him such a big text so early on development, can be seen as a little to much, hahaha. He is putting effort, love and passion in this work and it shows. And I know that, as time passes, this VN will become incredible.
With that being said, I gave my feedback because, as a fellow writer that I am, I know that sometimes, some expressions or ideas I use (in my native language or in english), can look good, but then, when I put my work out there for people to read, it may be a little confusing. And its even harder when you try to translate it. Its a mess sometimes, hahaha.
Noting bad or outerly wrong in his writing, as I stated in my feedback, just some minor fixes to make everything smooth and to be as much inmerssive as it can be. I gave my point of view more of as the type of feedback my friends give me with my writing than from a critic, I think, but yeah, I recorgnice what you tell me and I also aprecciate your feedback to my feeeback, haha.
(I make a separate message, then I talk about something completely different ...)
You put all your post translated into French ... - would you be French ...? If so, don't hesitate if you ever need help with anything relating to the translation, or even anything else, I would be happy to help in what I can.
Besides, since apparently you're still a very young talent, don't always pay too much attention to comments, then sometimes there are people who are very harsh and cruel with their words. (looking at this from another angle, it will also allow you to forge strength and resistance regarding the world of gaming, which sometimes can be ruthless)
Thanks. Yes, I'm french. The game will be translated into french a well, but I wanted to make the english first since the community is larger (it's sometimes challenging to say in english what I would like in french, so, I adapt more than I translate haha)
Oui, j'ai des racines Françaises. Je parle couramment le Français tel que l'Anglais et la langue Portugaise. (et j'ai quelques connaissances dans les autres langues latines, et l'ancien/littéraire Latin lui même)
D'ailleurs je suis coincé dans mes bureaux à Paris depuis le début de cette espèce de "plague" de virus, en lieu d'être à la maison a Lisbonne... - mais bon, cela n'a aucun rapport ici...
Even if it's very short ... - it's a very promising game-novel ...
And I am completely on the charm of this handsome cousin (the perfect "husband"! - well, the uncle is also very handsome, even absolutely perfect, especially physically speaking ... What a man!)
I wouldn't say no to a "scorching" or "intensely passionate" moment with the two of them, it would be a pure dream ...
I think I fell completely in love with these two absolutely perfect males there ...
I can't wait to see the rest of this exciting game-novel ...
I hope that the continuation will come soon ... - so far I am very surprised by the quality.
Professionally speaking, it's also a very good job.
Hello, thanks for your comment! Yeah, I wanted Fabien to be... attractive... as the uncle ;) Everything is possible for future scene, I keep it in mind.
Sorry for the "short", but actually I wanted to see if this story / style could please people before going further, and it's kind of a motivation to have people behind you, metaphorically speaking ;-)
I hope being able to release the next chapter soon, I have to find the rythm as well, I don't think relevant to just update it when a scene is over, I would like something more consistent, maybe a release when a day ingame is over ? i will try and will see the reactions and comments as well, as your feedbacks are really important for me :)
It looks very interesting and pretty, the narrative timing is right and the scenes very good. Maybe occasionally some strange expression, but I know it's a problem with the graphics engine (I know a little bit). I await the next chapter, the game promises well!
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You have good taste to create hot boys (nose blood).
Hahaha, happy you enjoyed the characters ;)
A very promising coming-of-age story. It was fun and endearing, so very well done.
In terms of feedback, I agree with some others comments. Some facial expressions were kinda weird, but they weren't as many to be a problem. But, let's be honest, we people something make weird faces, so, ironically, it feels natural, organic, more so, since you're portraing an awkard young adult discovering his sexuality and himself. So, I think that, as long as doesn't affect any key moments of the story, is not that big deal.
Some sentences and expressions need some corrections, because can slow a little the pacing of the story when you are reading it. But, again, since is not your first language (mine neither, so take this part of the review with a grain of salt because I'm on the same page like you, haha), the overall work is very well executed. So, a minor fix here and there and thats all.
The characters are charismatic and sexy, and the dialogues are good. I would like, anyway, read a little bit more to have a bigger picture, but so far, so good.
The context, the enviroment of the story, this fancy house in the middle of nowhere during holidays, is a very good way to create an ambiente of closeness and intimacy (and also, for crazy things to happen, haha). I really like it (I want a house like that, to be honest)
In terms of ideas, I think it would be nice to read about Silvia, the aunt. Not now, anyway, but in the future. I know its a gay game, and the expectations can be others, but you're telling a story, so that's the reason why I think (at least a little) it would be nice to have content of her and her story.
But, if we talk about the spicy stuff, I have 2 primary ideas:
1- Since they sleep together, a lot things can happen overnight (like waking up with one hugging the other; for more fun and akward situations, Fabien should be the one doing this)
2- The family has a gym, so I think a muscle worship scene would be just fine. Maybe the Uncle can be the one encouraging Mathew to touching him and so (he's has such a big lewd aura, haha)
So, that's all. I hope my review help you in any way. Hugs and good luck with this amazing project.
Hello,
Thanks for your feedback. I have to admit I wasn't a lot about describing more Silvia, excepted some clues from Fabien when he speaks about his mother but I will see what I can do to get more context around this family.
For the spicies, indeed the gym is definitely there for something, I have many ideas... (too much lol), I add you idea on this, I didn't imagine the uncle at this place... but why not ;)
And yeah, they sleep together, so much things can happen...
Thanks again!!!
Oh yes, please think of an excuse to workout them without clothes (maybe they feel hot haha)
Haha, maybe a route to come! lol
After all, it's summer, so you don't even need an excuse for that, haha.
I think it would be fun and hot if they ask you to touch their bodies and the more you do it, the more clothes they ask you to take off them, haha. So much potential, I love this
You're definitely full of ideas :D :D :D
I admit that my thoughts were quite similar to yours, but as in the description of his game-novel and his presentation it specifies certain things, including the fact that English is not his native language, and that in addition it is his first work in this field ...
It will have kept me simple, without going into too many details. (That besides for the moment he can take them for superfluous.)
He's only just getting started for now, and he's young. - over time he will understand and feel for himself what he has in his heart to share, and then improve himself.
He seems to be very talented, let's give him time to learn and move forward at his own pace in this universe/area. - we all know very well that it is the best thing.
We must not forget that the main thing is to put his passion into what he does.
Obviously, the tips don't hurt. - but let's take it easy with him. Don't scare him too much from the start, it can have the opposite effect, and it stops him right away.
I completly agree with you in everything you said. I tried to use the most polite words I could write to not be harsh with my thoughts. I tried to be everything but harsh, but yeah, maybe give him such a big text so early on development, can be seen as a little to much, hahaha. He is putting effort, love and passion in this work and it shows. And I know that, as time passes, this VN will become incredible.
With that being said, I gave my feedback because, as a fellow writer that I am, I know that sometimes, some expressions or ideas I use (in my native language or in english), can look good, but then, when I put my work out there for people to read, it may be a little confusing. And its even harder when you try to translate it. Its a mess sometimes, hahaha.
Noting bad or outerly wrong in his writing, as I stated in my feedback, just some minor fixes to make everything smooth and to be as much inmerssive as it can be. I gave my point of view more of as the type of feedback my friends give me with my writing than from a critic, I think, but yeah, I recorgnice what you tell me and I also aprecciate your feedback to my feeeback, haha.
Hugs to you, man.
I take all the feedbacks, I know I have some lack in english, but open to all suggestions and ideas to improve the immersion! :-)
(I make a separate message, then I talk about something completely different ...)
You put all your post translated into French ... - would you be French ...? If so, don't hesitate if you ever need help with anything relating to the translation, or even anything else, I would be happy to help in what I can.
Besides, since apparently you're still a very young talent, don't always pay too much attention to comments, then sometimes there are people who are very harsh and cruel with their words. (looking at this from another angle, it will also allow you to forge strength and resistance regarding the world of gaming, which sometimes can be ruthless)
Thanks. Yes, I'm french. The game will be translated into french a well, but I wanted to make the english first since the community is larger (it's sometimes challenging to say in english what I would like in french, so, I adapt more than I translate haha)
You're french as well ?
Oui, j'ai des racines Françaises. Je parle couramment le Français tel que l'Anglais et la langue Portugaise. (et j'ai quelques connaissances dans les autres langues latines, et l'ancien/littéraire Latin lui même)
D'ailleurs je suis coincé dans mes bureaux à Paris depuis le début de cette espèce de "plague" de virus, en lieu d'être à la maison a Lisbonne... - mais bon, cela n'a aucun rapport ici...
Ok :) Courage ! ^^
Even if it's very short ... - it's a very promising game-novel ...
And I am completely on the charm of this handsome cousin (the perfect "husband"! - well, the uncle is also very handsome, even absolutely perfect, especially physically speaking ... What a man!)
I wouldn't say no to a "scorching" or "intensely passionate" moment with the two of them, it would be a pure dream ...
I think I fell completely in love with these two absolutely perfect males there ...
I can't wait to see the rest of this exciting game-novel ...
I hope that the continuation will come soon ... - so far I am very surprised by the quality.
Professionally speaking, it's also a very good job.
I give you a big hug.
Take good care of yourself.
LOVES
Hello, thanks for your comment! Yeah, I wanted Fabien to be... attractive... as the uncle ;) Everything is possible for future scene, I keep it in mind.
Sorry for the "short", but actually I wanted to see if this story / style could please people before going further, and it's kind of a motivation to have people behind you, metaphorically speaking ;-)
I hope being able to release the next chapter soon, I have to find the rythm as well, I don't think relevant to just update it when a scene is over, I would like something more consistent, maybe a release when a day ingame is over ? i will try and will see the reactions and comments as well, as your feedbacks are really important for me :)
You know...
"So far so good." - then for a start, it is quite rare to have such a quality of work. (which is quite impressive)
- - -
Tu sais...
"So far so good." - puis pour un début, c'est assez rare d'avoir une telle qualité de travail. (ce que c'est assez impressionant)
I like the good pictures, so, I try to make it as I like ^^ I'm currently working on the next scene after the end you saw :)
It looks very interesting and pretty, the narrative timing is right and the scenes very good. Maybe occasionally some strange expression, but I know it's a problem with the graphics engine (I know a little bit). I await the next chapter, the game promises well!
thanks ! I Yes, I need to fine tuned more the expression, quite challenging sometimes, thanks for your feedback ! :)
Thanks ! Working on the next chapter ^^